well that was ok, I look pretty happy. isn't it funny how looking back things are so bright and how much you feel you want to return to that moment in time, but at the time, it really was'nt that interesting or blissfull. Godammit...allways wanting what we dont have... we? Maybe its just me
god i havent posted in more than two months...i never feel the urge to write anything, looking through my first posts i feel a bit silly...why do i take things so seriously, my fingers are itching to click the *delete* button but I've decided to keep them there, just for the sake of reminding myself....or making some sort of statement...of what i dont know maybe so i dont try and get all *deep* again...
So since then yeah...I've come to the conclusion which i allways knew about but only now believe in Life isnt about getting fucked, nobody thinks you're a ledgend for being the mess of the party, you wont fill the trench of lonlieness inside you by getting with multiple partners you've never seen, heard of or taked to before... you wont be praised as a player, you'll be branded a skank :] some people sort of inwardly pride themselves on being a whore and yeah its funny for a while and I'm not judging or teaching anyone how to live their lives, but for me, that would be a twisted sort of concience... I dunno....you probably know all this allready, blog, hahhhh
oh one more thing...I'm going to ENJOY myself from now on, ya know...instead of thinking of why i cant enjoy myself VIVA LA LIGHT HEARTED
when the standard of living in a society is higher than ever, you have to find something to stride determindly towards, or something to infatuate yourself with and throw yourself blindly towards it , base your life around. Education , career , family (or as is comon in democratic concrete jungles of corruption - getting as filthy rich as possible) these are the usual ideals in our minds...the key to happieness and contempt. you better have set yourself a path (even if its vague) by the time you become an adult. because if you dont...you realise you havnt got all that much to lose. you start to think: well so what if i dont get an education, so what if i dont become rich i dont need this.....ill lay back and let society pity and take care of me....i can just go on the dole...
This the thought you should never come to. This is and allways will be the deteriaration of the mind and eventual decomposition of the society. Its so difficult to be determined to acheive something...when you know you wont starve to death if you dont get 600 points in your leaving cert..or get a high paying job. Some philosopher or something once said something along the lines of: 'life is constant tension and relaxation', so without hardship, the contempt of overcoming it will not exist, and happieness could not exist.
when the society you live in is obese with lazy low-lives to be like myself, who have been pampered by life and initially find themselves having nothing to acheive...nothing to do...no worries in general of primary survival....this is when we start thinking.....absolute bullshit, convincing yourself, feeling there is something missing. People would not be bothered with 'depression' if every day of their lives was centered around growing food, working and fighting for survival (and at the end of a hard day relax and appreciate and relish the ability to rest,if we still lived like this you wouldnt have time to think of things that have no neccesity of being thought about- like what our purpose is....or the now popular *why am i so unhappy?*
this is when you realise the developed world is unatural. I dont know why we are here, but its not for this. Get out of yourself, stop living in a caged reality, a tortured dreamworld, a prison of self obsession, because when your emotional struggles are overpowering you, you're probably just being a vain lazy asshole. This is the time for change.
So there it is. I keep leading myself into the same situation over and over and over. My dad says its cos im a fuck up and because im rotten on the inside. It sounds kinda harsh but I do suppose its kinda true. I am wasting away and i am fucking up, not too much, im no heroine addict or anything drastic, but in a mild sense, wasting away in the most boring way possible.Like a lit cigarette, burning down to the end. Wasting away for no good reason. Wasting away when its really not worth it . But could it really have been any other way with two young parants who knew nothing of how to raise kids or start up families. I blame it on them. Really. Because why else would i be so sickeningly needy. Why else would i be so patheticaly unstable, stupidly touchy. Every little thing ever gets me. But all that should matter and does matter dosnt phase me at all. It feels kinda stupid typing this down. I really wish i could just get rid of this feeling. Its like an itch. Or some creature that clings to me all day while i laugh and enjoy myself. It allways has to remind me of itself , like its waiting for everyone to go away, so it can be just the two of us. Im sick of it. I feel so weary, how do i change? How do i get rid of this weakness, because every time im alone i lose my mind.
65 years , since my grandparents must have cried tears of indescribable joy. today is the 9th of may. 65 years ago the red army won victory over fascist Germany. If only those American bastards showed up earlier rather than when it seemed likely that the red army would succeed. If those cowards had opened up a second front earlier millions of lives could have been saved and id have more family today.Its strange how i feel so very strongly, about something that happened decades before i was born. I feel like I'm part of it or something. Like i should of been there, or like i was there. Im not talking past lives,, im not sure i believe in that. But why? How can i feel so strongly when I live so far away, when i have adapted to another country rather than my own.But wait. Which is my own? I feel like an outsider to both worlds.
my Jen ;] i try too hard but when someone is expecting their photo to be taken it adds a sense of awkwardness still, the photos with the flash in the dark are kinda eerie what with the yellowish corn and the dark behind it,, ah well just messing around really, don't have a clue what I'm doing I'm no photographer,, rather,, I'm flirting with the idea