Sunday, May 30, 2010

Why do you get all the love in the world

So there it is. I keep leading myself into the same situation over and over and over.
My dad says its cos im a fuck up and because im rotten on the inside. It sounds kinda harsh but I do suppose its kinda true. I am wasting away and i am fucking up, not too much, im no heroine addict or anything drastic, but in a mild sense, wasting away in the most boring way possible.Like a lit cigarette, burning down to the end. Wasting away for no good reason. Wasting away when its really not worth it . But could it really have been any other way with two young parants who knew nothing of how to raise kids
or start up families.
I blame it on them. Really.
Because why else would i be so sickeningly needy.
Why else would i be so patheticaly unstable, stupidly touchy.
Every little thing ever gets me. But all that should matter and does matter dosnt phase me at all.
It feels kinda stupid typing this down. I really wish i could just get rid of this feeling. Its like an itch. Or some creature that clings to me all day while i laugh and enjoy myself. It allways has to remind me of itself , like its waiting for everyone to go away, so it can be just the two of us. Im sick of it. I feel so weary,
how do i change? How do i get rid of this weakness, because every time im alone i lose my mind.

Monday, May 17, 2010

a phrase that shook me,,, before i forget it

something that spends so much time being empty
courtesy of my Jennifer King

Sunday, May 9, 2010


65 years , since my grandparents must have cried tears of indescribable joy. today is the 9th of may. 65 years ago the red army won victory over fascist Germany. If only those American bastards showed up earlier rather than when it seemed likely that the red army would succeed. If those cowards had opened up a second front earlier millions of lives could have been saved and id have more family today.Its strange how i feel so very strongly, about something that happened decades before i was born.
I feel like I'm part of it or something.
Like i should of been there, or like i was there.
Im not talking past lives,, im not sure i believe in that. But why? How can i feel so strongly when I live so far away, when i have adapted to another country rather than my own.But wait.
Which is my own? I feel like an outsider to both worlds.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

flirting with the idea

my Jen ;]
i try too hard
but when someone is expecting their photo to be taken
it adds a sense of awkwardness
still, the photos with the flash in the dark are kinda eerie
what with the yellowish corn and the dark behind it,,
ah well
just messing around really,
don't have a clue what I'm doing
I'm no photographer,,
I'm flirting with the idea

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


might aswell make one.
i got carried away with how thereputic and the such typing was
and i thought it would be sort of thrilling in a pathetic sort of way ;]
that someone might read my thoughts
and it would be more likley that they would here
so, yes
fuck itttt
here it goes