Tuesday, March 29, 2011

then and now, memories and current head-fucks

So Love me now,
Hell is coming,
kiss my mouth,
Hell is here ...
He says help me out
Hell is coming,
Can you do it now?
Hell is here

I'm leaving this place,but there is nothing I'm planning to take,
Just you

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

He hit me and it felt like a kiss

I don't hate him.
I hate myself for not hating him.
I hate this nightmareish turn of events.
I hate my self-pity.
I hate turing over the events again and again in my mind.
I hate the fact that I can't come to terms or comprehend what he did to me.
I hate the way he made me ugly.
I hate the way he's not here to comfort me.
I hate the way I cant comfort him.
I hate the idea of searching for someone else yet...
I cant stand the idea of being alone.
I hate the way I can't relate to anyone I know on a personal level and nobody I know can relate to me.
I hate wearing sunglasses at night.
I hate his smell lingering on my bedsheets even after I've changed them.
I hate my pride being so hurt.
I hate how I' don't know what to do next.
I hate myself for missing him.

Friday, March 11, 2011

I want to watch it come down.

Now doesn't it make you feel better?
The pigs have won tonight
Now we can all sleep soundly
And everything is alright

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Wish you were here

Dont get me wrong, rolling up a spliff and turning on some Yann Tiersenn or Sex and The City or in tonights case-kids cartoons- its fucking great
finally starting to see this "time to yourself" hype...but....
sometimes its lovley to have someone there.
Just for a night.
Just for a week.
Just for a month...or several?
How long before you're properly addicted to someones company?
Because when you are , theres no turning back, it's crash and burn or nothing in the end.
So when's the turning point?
Who cares.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Work done

relief.....annnnd time for a DRINK ;]

Don't do it Jennifer

just think of how frustrated you were

your time is tick tick ticking away

Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,


so much work to be done...commencing is the hard part
its becoming hard for me to do..anything at all.
When its not alcohol and wacky bits and pieces its endless smokeups and lying around aimlessly listening to the radio with the ball and chain for hours apon lazy hours on end.

Of-course theres time yet for everything, time yet to stress, time to really work and push myself...but i havent done so in so long ive almost forgotten what it feels like.

Its a pathetic situation,
In limbo between....this era and that
confusion is the key word.
What now?
I lost a friend the other day...she didnt die, just moved to Australia , one of the oldest Ive had...
Zoe Macken moved away on Febuary 28th , 2011.
To somewhere i cant follow, she has somewhere to go now, somewhere to be.

I suppose i also have somewhere to be...college, work but the gap in excitement and importance between her life and mine suddenly feels disturbingly wide.
Maybe its because i have no motivation, not really any ambition, nothing that leads me at all really.

Maybe Im getting no satisfaction these days because in order to be satisfied and happy there must first be strain and unhappieness ....after which comes relief?

without pain there couldnt be pleasure
no comfort without discomfort
no freedom without boundry?
yeah, that must be it...

I have to start working,

....after just one more episode of sex and the city....oh and download the new PJ harvey album

yeaaaahhhh ;]